How Much Do I Share When I Speak–if It Concerns Others?

My story is about learning how to say “God, you are enough.”

When I share my story, I do so to challenge women to open up their hands, and say, “God, you may have given me many blessings, but ultimately my life is based entirely, and solely, in You. You are my Source. You are enough.”

And I do that by sharing my story of loss–my son who passed away, my fiance who walked out.

Yet those losses only make sense in a wider context–namely, that of growing up with rejection because my father left. His actions made me who I am, and God ended up using it all for good. Yet I cannot tell my story without his.

When I asked on my Facebook Page a while ago what the biggest challenge is for people when it comes to speaking, a number mentioned, “figuring out how much to share”. That is a challenge, and it comes in two forms. Let’s look at both:

Sharing when your story involves others doing things wrong

That’s my case. And how do you share about things others have done that have hurt you? What if a large part of your story is abuse, for instance. Do you name your abuser? What if a large part of your story is your husband’s–or ex-husband’s–pornography addiction? Do you talk about it? It impacted you. It made you who you are today. But do you mention it?

Here are some thoughts to consider:

1. Are you in a reconciled relationship with that person?

If you are in a reconciled relationship, ask them if you can share. Say that you will put boundaries around it, if necessary–like you will only share that story out of state.

If you are not in a reconciled relationship, and it is unlikely to ever be reconciled, then I think, personally, that it is okay to share. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to in my own life. To not share means that I miss out on telling what God has done, and often through my story people in the audience are touched. You can do it tastefully, but I do believe that God wants to work in people’s lives, and if we keep things under wraps, we take away some of that opportunity.

At the same time:

2. Are there others who would be affected by this?

I spoke recently to a woman who had been in a horrid marriage where he had used porn and had sexually abused their children. When the abuse became known (the mom hadn’t known) she immediately left her husband, sued for custody, and got a restraining order.

She went through a horrible time of grieving and of trying to repair broken relationships. Now she wants to warn other women about the dangers of staying in a marriage when you know something is terribly wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. What should she share?

This is a harder case, because her story is intricately wound up in that of her children. While she does not owe her husband the right to privacy, she does owe it to her children. Talking and praying with them about what is all right to share, and when, would be crucial.

God still wants to use her story, and praying that He will open doors to minister, even if it’s not done on a large stage, is important. But it could be that with healing,  her children are willing, even eager, to have her share. Nevertheless, I think their feelings and needs are paramount here.

3. Can you share without sharing details?

Finally, at times there are opportunities to share without spelling everything out. So, for instance, if your uncle sexually abused you, but you are now reconciled, or your uncle’s children are prominent in the church and don’t want it known, you could talk about how as a child someone you trusted violated your trust. You don’t need to name the person.

You can, however, focus on the details of how this made you feel, which is really far more important than what was done. Remember, people in the audience will relate to you around feelings, not actions. It is very unlikely anyone in the audience will have gone through exactly what you did. But everyone in the audience understands betrayal, and shame, and fear. Talking about those emotions is far more important than the exact details of what was done.

Now let’s look at the second scenario about deciding what to share:

What I Share Can Affect My Reputation in other Circles

I’m the sex lady. I never meant to be the sex lady, but I became the sex lady with the publication of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. And my husband and I speak at marriage conferences, where we always do the sex talk.

That’s not really that big a deal–until the conference is in your home town, and your mother-in-law is in the audience. Do you really want your friends and family knowing all your funny and personal anecdotes (don’t worry, we don’t get too specific, but we are funny!). That’s just awkward.

And I’ve had to learn that awkwardness is one of the sacrifices that you make for God. It’s one of the things that we offer Him, as a sacrifice of praise. Because the speaker that touches people and that leads them more and more to God is the speaker who is real. When we cover up our foibles, and our fears, and our mistakes, we aren’t real. People can’t relate to a “perfect” version of Christianity. They relate to God doing something in the struggles of ordinary people. If you don’t share your real-ness, your ordinary-ness, you protect yourself at the expense of ministry.

Sometimes God wants to humble us.

At the same time, there are lines. Jessica Harris, for instance, wrote this on my Facebook Page:

I am a high school teacher who speaks about pornography addiction, so it’s hard to keep my ministry life and my school life separate! haha. The last thing I want my students to remember is that I was the teacher who used to watch porn.

I am blessed that my speaking engagements have been outside of my immediate circle of influence, so there’s no worries of ‘cross contamination.’ Some of my school parents know what I do and tell their kids, “Did you know we know a celebrity?” And I say, “No, no. To them I am just Miss Jessica.”

She wants to be real. She wants to minister to people. But she also is right in that this could cause awkwardness at her day job. In this case, keeping them as separate as possible is likely a good idea! And keeping your boss in the loop about what you are doing, and about the steps that you are taking to separate the two, is also likely a good idea, so that nothing would ever happen that would take your boss by surprise.

It is a difficult thing to decide how much to open up. Am I just seeking attention? Do I just want to hurt this person who hurt me? Am I trying to find my own healing through speaking, and am I hurting others in the process? These are all questions we need to honestly ask ourselves and pray through with God.

Ultimately, though, your story is your story. If your story leads people to God, then pray that God will open doors and show you how to share it effectively and with integrity, even if it means that you do offer him a sacrifice of your own pride.

Want to learn how to share your story the most effectively, so it leads people to Christ–and not just focusing on what you went through? My audio download, Crafting an Effective Signature Talk, teaches you how to do just that!

7 Ways to Bore Your Audience

photo © 2005 Jason Scragz | more info (via: Wylio)
It’s every speaker’s worst nightmare. You’re speaking, and you look across the audience, and everybody’s looking dazed. Some are obviously texting. A few are nodding off. And a bunch are writing things down–but you’re pretty sure it doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re talking about. It’s probably a shopping list.

Boring people silly is awfully easy to do. In fact, all you have to do to bore people is follow these 7 steps:

1. Don’t Tell Anything About Yourself

If you want to bore your audience, keep the talk very impersonal. Don’t tell stories about yourself; just focus on the biblical text. In fact, don’t tell stories at all! If you’re talking about prayer, tell people how to pray, but above all, don’t give any illustrations of people who have prayed. Don’t tell anything inspirational; just lecture people on what they should be doing.

And if you do tell stories, make sure they’re not about you, because audiences actually enjoy hearing about the speaker. If you tell people about what you’ve gone through, it gives you credibility, and it makes people’s heads shoot up and listen to what you’re saying. So instead, steer clear of anything personal, and try to lecture, as if you are better than they are. Nothing glazes people’s eyes over more than that!

2. Read Your Whole Talk

If you have to read it to remember it, then people will realize that your talk is really very forgettable! So they won’t listen, either. I know that learning to give your talk without notes is tough, but at least when you get to the story part of the talk, try to do that without looking down.

Much of the emotion in a room is conveyed from body language–eye to eye contact. When you’re not making any eye-to-eye contact, they won’t pick up on the emotion, even if it’s a powerful story, and even if you’re being quite funny. They need to see your eyeballs.

When they don’t see your eyes, they’ll tune out and start thinking about other things. So reading verbatim is a great way to turn people off!

3. Teach People In-Depth

If the cure for boredom is engaging stories, then often the cause of boredom is too much lecturing! Yes, you may have a ton of knowledge that you want to impart, but if all you do is impart knowledge, telling them what they should be doing and how they should be doing, without offering any illustration of someone who did this and is now better off, or someone who didn’t do this and is now worse off, or even something completely different, like an illustration from nature, then you’ll bore them for sure.

People learn not by hearing what they should be doing; they learn by emotionally engaging with the speaker and the speaker’s stories, and then taking that emotion and combining it with the head knowledge  you’ve already given. That way they buy into the message! If you just give head knowledge, it likely won’t move to their hearts. And it’s also less likely to enter their ears, because they’ll realize “this isn’t really relevant for me”. And they’ll stop listening.

4. Use Too Many Points

Do you have six points? Seven points? Are you sharing the 8 Ps of Prayer? Or going into depth on every single one of the fruits of the spirit?

That’s too many subjects for people to focus on, and it will definitely result in boredom. Often speakers have the audience’s attention for the first two points, but they lose it when they keep saying, “next”, or “and another thing”. It’s better to take far longer on each point, and only have 1 or 2, then to have 13 or 14. People will realize, “I can’t remember all this, so why bother listening?” And they will stop. And they will be bored!

5. Speak in a Monotone

Have you ever been trying to make a toddler go to sleep by reading a story, like Goodnight Moon? How do you read it? Chances are you speak slowly, in a monotone, so that you don’t arouse any emotion in that child except perhaps that urge to close one’s eyes.

So if you want to bore people, pretend you’re tucking your grandson into bed! Talk in that monotone. Don’t change the speed, or the tone, or the pitch of your voice. Speak always equally fast, or equally slow. Be like background noise when someone’s trying to drift off, like a fan. You’ll lose them for sure!

On the other hand, if you speed up during your interesting stories, and then suddenly slow down when you’re making an important point, you’ll jerk them out of their stupor and they’ll start listening to you again. If you vary your pitch, making your voice lower when you’re making a point you want them to take home, and higher when you’re being funny, then they’ll have an easier time following you, and they won’t drift off!

6. Put all your main points and sub-points on PowerPoint

Put cute pictures of kittens up on Powerpoint, and people wake up. Use Powerpoint to show interesting illustrations or pictures, and people will start engaging in what you’re saying.

But if you want to bore them, write out all your main points on Powerpoint, complete with bullets and subpoints, so they can read along with you as you speak. Little bores people more, so this is a sure winner!

When you have all your subpoints on Powerpoint, then people know exactly what you’re about to say, and when they can read it in black and white, it quite frankly does not look all that interesting. By putting it up on a screen, you also subliminally give the message, “you won’t remember this just from my voice, since I’m not interesting enough, so I’m going to put everything up here so you can read it, too.” That way you give the impression that they really don’t need to listen to you. And they’ll plan their grocery shopping list in their heads instead!

7. Use Proof Texts for every second sentence

A final surefire way to turn off your audience: proof text everything you say. Sure, you may have a main Bible passage that you have read, and you may have one or two verses which illustrate it nicely. But if you want people to lose interest, the best thing is to find not one but five verses that say the same thing, and read them all. And everytime you make a statement, even if it’s relatively obvious, like “prayer is a good thing,” read a verse which says that, too.

Sure, if you use a lot of Bible verses it shows people that you know your Bible well, and that you’re only saying things which God already said. But you also tell people something else. You say: I’m nervous about my talk, and I need to prove to you that I have authority to say this.

Everybody wants to hear a talk grounded in the Bible, but they also are here for your interpretation. That, after all, is why you were asked to speak. If you need to take a walk through every book of the Bible to show something fairly rudimentary, then you’ll cause people to drift off for sure. They’ll think you have nothing new to say. You have nothing relevant to our culture to say. You have nothing authoritative to say. A speaker who keeps their audience engaged keeps coming back to the main passage they use over and over to reinforce that passage. But a speaker who wants to bore his or her audience jumps around like crazy to add gravitas, and it almost always backfires.

So there you go: a 7-fold plan to bore audiences! There are times when cynically I must admit I think they teach these things in school, because I hear people following every single one of these rules. If you want to bore your audience, by all means, do so. But if you want an engaged audience, who listens to what you say, thinks about you say, and then applies what you say, you’d do best to run in the opposite direction!

This summer I’m thinking of running some webinars on helping people perfect their anecdotes–those little illustrations we use when we speak. Would you be interested in that? Then be sure to sign up here for information when we start!

How to Make People Realize They Need to Make a Change

Why do you speak?

Think about that question deeply for a moment. Why do you get up in front of a bunch of women and speak?

Perhaps some answers might be:

• I have a story I want to tell.
• I want to tell them about Jesus.
• I want to share what God has done.
• I want to bless others.

These are all good answers. But I don’t think they are enough. We need to go deeper.

The reason we speak, I believe, is to move people to a place where they are open to hearing from God. In other words, we speak to encourage change in people’s lives. Only God can effect that change, but we speak for the purpose of God working through us so that people are willing to let Him change them. Change is our focus.

If you are simply speaking to “share your story”, then you’re speaking to transmit information. Transmitting information is great, but just because someone knows something does not mean they are going to do something about it. You need to speak not just so that you share your story; but instead so that through sharing it, others are touched and want to go deeper with God.

We touched on this in the last post: you can’t sell the solution until you’ve sold the problem. One of the first jobs of a speaker, then, is to help people laugh at themselves and realize that they do indeed have a problem. Then you tell them the solution.

And then you play Nathan. Do you remember the prophet Nathan? He told King David this long involved story of a rich king who took a poor farmer’s only ewe lamb, his special lamb that this farmer loved, and killed it because he didn’t want to eat any of his own many thousands of sheep. And David was so incensed he ordered the rich man killed. But then Nathan turned, and looked at David the adulterer and murderer, and said, “You are that man!”

In our talks, too, we need to take the same approach. You’ve told people they have a problem. Now it’s time to tell people they ARE the problem.

For instance, in my talk about how we women are control freaks, trying to control every little thing in our lives, I get us to laugh at ourselves and admit that we do try to control things because that’s what our culture tells us to do. Then I show them how this is the wrong approach. And then I get to the conviction part of the talk:

I tell them, this controlling behaviour is making you miserable, and it will continue to make you miserable until you take it to God. It’s no one’s problem but your own. You are hurting yourself.

In the beginning you told people they had a problem, but you didn’t personalize it. Now it’s time to personalize it, and show people that they are the ones that are feeding this problem. It’s not the media’s fault, or your husband’s fault, or your family’s fault, or even God’s fault. You are doing it. And you need to stop.

You don’t have to do this in a super-serious way. I use a great illustration from Finding Nemo for one of my conviction moments in one of my talks. But it drives the point home: you are only making yourself miserable. You are only hurting yourself.

In your talks, do you make sure that people own the problem? Do they believe they have a problem, and then do you take them to point where they see they ARE the problem? If they don’t, it’s much harder for women to feel as if they need your solution. I don’t mean that we should do a major guilt trip; but it is a rare person indeed who decides to change without first realizing that what they are doing now is not working.

Before you speak next time, take a look at your talk, and ask yourself: am I spending time helping people laugh at themselves about the silly things we worry about or the silly things we do? Am I spending time showing people how hurtful this ultimately is? Or am I simply offering them a solution without ever showing them it’s a problem?

Make sure you’re being honest and creative about talking about the problem before you offer the solution, and I think you’ll find that more people will be moved to an honest, deep prayer time with God afterwards!

If you need help crafting a talk that takes towards that journey of change, check out my teleseminar, Crafting a Life Changing Signature Talk.

Sell the Problem Before the Solution

Remember the “Jesus is the Answer” bumper stickers?

They weren’t overly successful at spreading the gospel. People tended to laugh in derision instead.

And I really don’t blame them. Because you see you can’t have an answer until you have a question. And that’s so important to remember when we’re speaking: don’t give people the answer to their problems until you’ve convinced them they have a problem.

Too often we approach our talks as if they have to be us imparting our deep wealth of wisdom on our audience. We know what they should be doing. We know the secret of a Spirit filled life. We know how to get them back on track. And so we think of our talks in that way: I’m going to teach you how to be a better friend. I’m going to teach you how to be filled with the Spirit. I’m going to teach you how to really worship.

Now you may have the best ideas ever about how to worship. You may completely know how to make them a great friend. And you may have all the Scriptures to back it up, and some statistics, and some Powerpoint, and some props, and some great anecdotes. And people might listen and really enjoy it and think you were marvelous.

But they aren’t going to own it unless they first feel that they aren’t very good friends, or they aren’t filled with the Spirit, or they don’t know how to worship. Until people feel like they have a problem, then your talk will mostly be intellectual. Even if you have great stories, it likely won’t go from the head to the heart.

That’s why I believe that the early part of any talk should be spent on selling women on their problems. Get them to laugh at themselves. Show them what we women do that is so counterproductive. Whatever the problem is, help them to be able to say, “you’re right. I’ve got a problem.” Once they have owned it, they’re far more likely to listen to your solution, and far more likely to open themselves up to God. If they don’t own it, they’re going to think, “that’s interesting information”, and maybe even “I wish so and so were here to hear this”, but it won’t do anything for them.

So often people start their talks by introducing the Scripture and by launching right in to the problem that Jesus is addressing. I think this is doing things in the wrong order. After all, Jesus Himself told stories that illustrated a point before He told the application. And we need to do the same thing: tell stories that illustrate that there is actually a problem before we bring up the solution.

Here’s an example of part of the introduction to one of my talks, where I’m talking about the stupid things we women feel guilty for:

Often these parts of the talk work best if we can get people to laugh. I usually spend at least ten minutes on this part of the talk, because it’s usually on the lighter side, and later on I get a lot more serious. But if people have had a chance to laugh, they handle the serious stuff much better, and they’re already geared to listen to you.

So next time you go to speak, remember: don’t sell the solution until you sell the problem. Make people see that they need the solution, or they won’t really listen to you.

Right now I’m speaking a Christian writer’s conference, and that’s one of the main things I’m bringing home. Next post I’ll do point 2: they know they have a problem. Now what?

If you’re struggling with how to put a talk together–what to include, and in what order, and how to bring in Scripture–I have a great teleseminar that I know will make it so easy for you. It comes complete with a talk skeleton that you can fill in and then use to write your signature talk. You can find it here!

The Ten Qualities of a Gifted Women’s Speaker

Picture of N.J. Lindquist, Canadian author and speaker

If you’re wondering whether or not God has called you to speaking, here are the ten qualities that I think best define a gifted women’s speaker. I should note that several of these I struggle with–finding time for prayer, for instance. But making this list encourages me to aim higher and rely on God more, so even if you’re not totally there yet, at least this gives you something to aim for!

1. Focuses on Christ and Him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2 says,

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

Paul was writing to the Corinthian church about his credentials as an apostle, and he states that whatever he said, it always came back to the cross. If you’re to be an effective women’s speaker, whatever you say has to be centered around the cross. Your message needs to be centered around the cross. Your life needs to be centered around the cross. Otherwise, why are we doing this?

2. Realizes that It’s Not About You. Closely related to #1, #2 says that the purpose of speaking is not to spread our own ministry or fame, but to spread God’s fame. When you tell your story, it’s not to glorify yourself. It’s to point to what God has done in your life, and to show others what He can do in theirs. This is a tricky one, because we’re human, and it’s nice to get accolades. But a good speaker remembers that her gifts come from God, not from herself. I have listened to other speakers compare their writings to Scripture. I have listened to other speakers do such an intense selling pitch for their books and CDs that I’ve felt embarrassed for them. It’s fine to draw attention to resources that you believe will draw others closer to Him. But let’s do it in that spirit.

3. Relies on God for Her Energy and Motivation. You can’t do this yourself. You can’t will yourself to be good, to be energetic, to be happy, to be inspiring. Only God can do that for you, so you have to spend time dedicated to prayer, to getting yourself in a good place so that you can share with others. Don’t try to do it in your own strength.

4. Stays Current with God. You can’t share your story and your walk if you don’t have one. Maybe you have a great story of victory, but if that victory happened eight years ago, and you’ve been coasting on it ever since, something’s wrong. I find that my signature talks and signature retreats change every year because God is doing something new in me. When my story changes, my talks change, too. Make sure that your relationship with God is fresh.

5. Understands Her Audience. You may not always be talking to people exactly like you. In fact, you usually won’t be. A good speaker thinks about how her message will be received and interpreted; she doesn’t just share what she wants to share. If you’re married, remember that a good portion of those in your audience will be single, widowed, or divorced. Don’t make all your anecdotes relate to marriage. Likewise, if you became a Christian later in life and lived a rather promiscuous existence beforehand, don’t glory too much in that, because many won’t relate to you. Know your audience: their church background (or lack thereof), their cultural background, their age, their marital status. Make sure that you try to reach out to everyone in whatever walk of life.

6. Tells Stories that People can Relate To. A gifted speaker doesn’t just teach. She doesn’t only open up the Bible and expound on its theological significance. She uses stories and anecdotes that can hit home to people. Audiences tend to relate best to stories; make sure that you include lots of them! This isn’t “dumbing down” your talk at all; it’s making it more accessible, and more likely that people will remember it. It’s also touching them emotionally, and if the emotions aren’t engaged as well as the head, then it’s unlikely that they will open themselves up to hear from God.

7. Speaks Confidently. Do you find yourself relying too heavily on your notes? If you can’t remember what you’re saying, how do you expect the audience to remember? I know that’s a tall order, but I do believe that as you practice and speak more and more, you will require notes less and less. I usually take one sheet of paper up with me, at the most, with keywords written down to jog my memory about what comes next. And what about speaking skills in general? A gifted speaker is one that puts the audience at ease. They won’t be at ease if they think you’re nervous. So practice speaking in front of a mirror. Listen to a recording of yourself so you can tell if you’re too fast or too slow. Don’t be afraid of leaving pauses instead of “ummms” or “okays”. Act confident and people are more inclined to listen to you.

8. Knows The Point of What She is Saying. Have you ever listened to a talk and thought to yourself, “that was very entertaining, but I have no idea what they want me to do now?” Don’t let that be you! Always know what ONE main point you’re making, and what ONE main change  you’re encouraging the women to make in their lives. If you have five points, they’ll never remember them all. If you have too many applications, they’ll never do them. Ultimately we usually only need one application, anyway, and chances are it goes something like this: move deeper into a level of trust with God, whether it’s with my heart, my marriage, my finances, my kids, my career, or my calling. Your goal is to help move people so that they’re willing to take that next step. So know that. Have everything lead  up to that. Don’t just entertain; tell stories and teach with a purpose. If you can sum up your talk clearly in one sentence before you begin, chances are people will be able to parrot it back to you after you finish. But if you can’t sum it up, chances are they won’t be able to tell you what changes you want them to make, either.

9. Constantly Seeks New Opportunities To Grow. We’re never done when it comes to learning how to speak well. My ministry was expanding and growing well when I got a hold of the book Communicating for a Change: Seven Keys to Irresistible Communication
by Andy Stanley, which opened my eyes up to ways that I was hindering people’s ability to respond clearly to my talks.
I changed the entire format of everything I said. And my ministry continued to grow. I could have just coasted, because things were going well, but I believe that we all need to keep getting training, critiquing, and new ideas, because we’ve never “arrived”. This fall, one of the ministries I partner with is bringing in a performance trainer to help us hone our message. I’ll have to deliver it and he’ll then critique me. Is that scary? You betcha! But I know it will be worth it! If you need to continue your training, I have lots of resources right here. They’re not expensive, and I know they will help!

10. Acts Professionally. She dresses well (not because she’s vain, but because she wants to appear authoritative). She communicates well and clearly with the event organizers. She’s upfront about whether or not she charges a fee so that the organizers aren’t nervous about this. She charges what she’s worth, but she’s always open to the Spirit about amending things at times. She tells the organizers what to expect, and she doesn’t just say, “I’ll do anything you want”. She has a web presence so people can find her! All of this is not about spreading her own fame, but because if she doesn’t do these things, her ministry won’t grow, and her message won’t get out there. Speaking isn’t a business; it’s a ministry. But it will always be more effective if we apply some sound business principles to it.

Do these things, and God will expand your ministry! He wants to reach people, and He wants to use us to do it. We just need to be willing, get the training, and be effective.

What do you think? Which is the biggest struggle for you? Did I miss something important? Is there one that you would take out? Let’s talk about it in the comments, or debate with me over in our Facebook group!

How to Handle the Bible in your Talks

Image via Wikipedia

As Christian speakers, we want our talks to centre on God’s word. I’m reminded of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 2:2:

“For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”

Nevertheless, I think there are right ways and wrong ways to use the Bible in a talk. What I’m going to say comes from my own personal experience; you may not agree with me, and indeed, feel free to disagree in the comments! Let’s get a discussion going here! But here are some thoughts to get us talking:

1. People will only remember a few things.

Think back to the last sermon you heard. How many points from that sermon can you remember? How many Bible verses? Chances are it’s quite low; on average we remember 1 or 2 things.

Image by uniinnsbruck via Flickr

I think, however, that most speakers forget this, and use too many Bible verses when they speak, which makes their talks less effective. I’ve seen speakers speak and then everytime they say anything, they put a Bible verse up on PowerPoint to prove what they’re saying. It’s good to have Scirptural support for what you say (and indeed, we should), but I would caution against putting too many verses up there. As soon as you do, people go into “student” mode. They think you’re expecting them to remember all of these, and they know it’s hopeless, so they often tune out.

Or, they get a pen and start frantically writing everything down. The problem with introducing too many verses is that it diminishes the importance of the verses that you DO want them to remember especially.

I tend to have one Scriptural passage that my talks revolve around. Maybe it’s Hebrews 12:1-3, or Philippians 3:4-14, or Romans 8. I use different ones for different retreats. But those are the passages that I want them to remember. So I say them several times. I have them on the screen, if I’m using Powerpoint. We make bookmarks with them.

I often do bring in other portions of Scripture, but I’ll do it by way of illustration, like using an anecdote. I don’t tend to make my main point from that Scripture. So I’ll retell a parable, or I’ll recount a story from the Old Testament. When I do this, however, it’s in a different tone, so that people realize they don’t have to remember everything I’m saying; it’s an illustration to help them remember the main point, so they can relax and just listen.

Here’s a rule in speaking that I have found:

The number of points/Bible verses that people will remember is inversely proportional to the number of points/Bible verses that you use.

If you have a ton of points, they’ll likely remember none. If you have only 1 or 2, they’ll likely remember them. It’s just easier. So I would suggest having one main Bible passage, and use Scripture otherwise to illustrate your one passage. Don’t prooftext everything; it confuses people. Stick to the main passage, and recite it several times at several points in your talk.

2. Don’t Open with Scripture

God’s Word is the answer to the problems that we face in our lives. It’s the roadmap for what we should do. However, you can’t seek for the roadmap until you know you’re lost; you can’t find an answer until you ask a question.

A talk is not like a sermon. We’re not there primarily to teach; we’re there to connect with people and lead them on a journey so that they’re willing to listen to God. If you open with Scripture, people immediately start thinking, “she’s preaching at me”, and they get their backs up. Or they start thinking that this doesn’t apply to them, because they don’t have that particular problem. Or, perhaps even more commonly, they assume you’re going to be boring. It’s not pretty, but that’s the way it is.

Instead of opening with Scripture, open your talk by “selling” the problem. Show people that they have a heart need. Use stories and anecdotes to show them that there is something wrong in their lives. Then you bring out Scripture as the solution to that heartfelt need that they have already acknowledged. It makes them much more willing to listen to the solution Scripture offers.

If you’re not sure how to do this, I have a marvelous teleseminar on how to Craft a Life Changing Talk, which takes people step by step through this process of what goes into a talk and when. We talk about how to use Scripture and much more! Find out more here.

3. Actually Use Your Bible

Image by knowhimonline via Flickr

 

It sounds silly, but do read from the Bible. Don’t just print out the passage with your notes and read from your notes. Hold a Bible up and read it–even if you have the passage memorized. There’s something about seeing someone hold a Bible which matters to people. It gives the Bible the reverence it deserves, and it shows people that they should be cracking theirs open, too. It’s subliminal, but important. So read from your Bible!

What do you think? How do you handle Scripture during a talk? And do you have a favourite version that you use? Let me know in the comments!

Related articles by Zemanta

• Thinking About Your Audience First (christianwomensspeaker.wordpress.com)
• Speaking Isn’t For Sissies – Guest Post (christianwomensspeaker.wordpress.com)
• Do You Ever Think About Heaven? (tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com)
• Two Spiritual Roadblocks in Speaking (christianwomensspeaker.wordpress.com)

Thinking About Your Audience First

As a writer as well as a speaker, I have been faculty at several writers’ conferences. And as faculty, we often do one-on-one interviews with aspiring writers.

One of the hardest things is dealing with people who say some variant of: “God has given me this message, and this is exactly what I’m supposed to say.” They are so sure that God wants them to write exactly this thing, in exactly this format, that it is very difficult to suggest that perhaps they should start with something smaller first, or reassess how they sound.

Many of us feel called by God. Others of us are still searching for clear direction. There is nothing wrong with being called by God. But one thing that characterizes how God works on earth is that He touches people where their heart needs are in ways that they could understand.

Jesus, for instance, used fishing analogies with fishermen. He used farming analogies with farmers. He told parables that people would recognize from their everyday life. He didn’t launch into teaching, even though of anyone on earth, He was the only One who was perfectly entitled to do so; He tended to give His message in a way that His hearers could grab a hold of it and understand it.

In the same way, Paul said, “I became weak to win the weak,” or “I became like one under the law, though I myself am not under the law, in order to win those under the law.” (1 Corinthians 9). He became all things to all men so that he could win them. He tried to relate to people. He figured out what their issues were. When he was in Athens, he commented on the idol “to the unseen god”. He picked up on what was important to them, and analogies that mattered to them, and then used these things to spread his message.

His message did not change: “For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2). But his method did change.

At these writers’ conferences, it seems that people aren’t just wedded to the message they feel they want to share; they seem wedded to the format as well, and quite frequently that format is a long book that isn’t accessible to their target audience. They think, though, that this means that they are relying on God; it will take a miracle to sell this, but God will provide the miracle. It’s taking things backwards.

God has entrusted you with a message; the story of your life and what God has done. He wants you to share it. But you can’t share it unless you also think about the people who will be hearing it. Unless you understand their heart needs, and their issues, you’ll never be able to share it effectively.

For instance, if you’re a single woman with a message of how God has become your husband, and has helped you deal with loneliness, you have a very powerful message. It’s one that everybody needs to hear. But if you are giving it at a general outreach event, with mostly church women and some seekers, you have to realize that not everybody there will be single; in fact, chances are most won’t be. Therefore, it’s important that while the substance of your message stays the same, and even your story stays the same, you add elements that they can relate to to show that you have thought about the audience, that you understand the audience, and that you believe that God is an answer to their heartfelt needs.

So ask yourself: how does the story of God meeting my heartfelt needs intersect with the heart needs of those who are listening? What is their biggest need? How can I appeal to that need using my story? Perhaps what you can say is that nobody can rely on family or anyone else to meet their needs; only God can. And when people disappoint you, or when you feel lonely, you still have a God to run to. We must never rely on anything else.

But you’re starting with THEIR NEEDS, not with yours. You’re starting by asking: how can I relate to them? The speakers’ job, you see, is not only to entertain. In fact, it’s not even primarily to entertain. It’s not to teach, either. It is to translate God’s redeeming message in a way that this specific audience will understand it.

That means that you must primarily be concerned with your audience, and not with your message. Sometimes I tweak my message to make sure that it is relevant. I make sure I’m not using too many illustrations from parenting if there will be a lot of single women there. If there are seniors, I make sure that I am using some illustrations from them. I think about what their needs are.

So always ask the event planners about the demographics of those who are coming. Ask them if they’ve been involved in any big Bible studies or sermon series lately. What has the topic been? What sorts of things have they been discussing? If you know this, you can throw in a little bit in your talk to help anchor your message in their minds and reinforce what they have already heard. If you’re going to be dealing with something particularly difficult, warn the organizer, so that if someone in the group is going through something similar, they can be there to minister. For instance, I talk about my son dying. I always tell the organizer it is part of my testimony, because invariably there is someone who lost a child in a car accident recently, or who just had a miscarriage, and they may need special hugs or prayers during the talk.

Get to know God, and internalize the message. But then get to know the audience so that you can act as a translator. Never assume that people should listen to everything you want to say, and should hold you in rapt attention. Instead, make it your mission to understand them and speak in such a way that they will get something out of it.

Do this, and you’ll find your effectiveness increasing exponentially!

If you’re interested in learning more about how to craft a talk that speaks directly to the people in your audience, my teleseminar “Crafting a Life-Changing Signature Talk” can help. Learn more here.

Incorporating Humor into Your Talk

“She laughed. She cried. She came home changed.”

That’s what we’re aiming for. We want people to come home changed, and that usually means that we need to appeal to different emotions in your talk. I’ve talked before about the different elements that go into a talk, and the ways in which we can plan our talks so that we build towards the one major change that we’re encouraging people to make. (I have a great audio download and handout that walks you through preparing a talk, giving you a skeleton of a talk you only need to flesh out, right here!).

But here’s the issue: if our purpose in talking is to take people through a process where their hearts and ears and minds are open to hear from God, we have to earn their trust. You can’t just start your talk telling people what they need to do differently. They’ll tune you out! You have to instead earn their trust by opening up to them, telling them stories, showing them that they really do have a problem they need to solve, and showing them that you have walked that road, too.

Implicit in that, though, is a bit of humour. It’s hard to get people to bond with you or listen to you unless there is even a little bit of humour involved.

However, I recently received an email from a speaker who was concerned about this. She’s written her talk, but it’s about a very heavy topic. Most people, when they come to hear her, will be aware that that is the topic (think grief, or depression, or mental illness, these sorts of things). You can’t really make that funny, can you? Or should you?

It’s an excellent question, and I want to try to address it.

1. First, let’s re-evaluate what we mean by “funny“. When I’m saying you should add humour, I don’t mean that your talk should thus be a comedy routine. Absolutely not. For instance, a big part of my testimony concerns my son who died. That is not funny. Not in the least. It’s certainly not a comedy routine.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t give people a chance to laugh. You can throw in small anecdotes that make people smile. I tell a story, for instance, about my daughter when she was 3. She was at a playgroup, and she didn’t believe in sharing, and so she’d hoard all the toys she liked in a corner, guarding them. But here’s the point: the whole time she was guarding them, she wasn’t playing with them, either. And we do the same thing in our lives. We’re so busy clutching things because we’re scared God’s going to take them from us that we don’t enjoy them.

It’s only a small story, but it relates to the overall point I’m making. And I act out the story, and it always gets quite a laugh. It’s still making a serious point; but it’s a little more lighthearted.

It doesn’t mean that the talk is a comedy routine; it does mean that you’re adding a few anecdotes every now and then that make people smile.

Movies do that, too. Have you ever noticed that? Whenever there are really heavy points in a movie, there inevitably is something, even if it’s something small, that makes you smile. Often in the saddest movies there will be one character who is just there to add some lightheartedness to an otherwise bleak situation. If the movie didn’t have that kind of comedy release, it would just be too difficult to watch the rest of it. Because we’re able to smile, we’re actually able to take in the depths of the pain and hurt easier. If there are no opportunities to smile, we, as observers, tend to close off our hearts or our emotions, so that we don’t enter too deeply into the darkness. We protect ourselves. Give us a reason to smile, though, and you get through those natural defenses.

So even if your story is very difficult, you can, and should, still add an anecdote every now and then that can make people smile. It isn’t diminishing your story; it’s actually enhancing it. And you can make sure that anecdote still tells the same point.

2. You don’t have to be a comedian to tell a funny story. Telling a joke is very different from telling an anecdote or relaying a story. Some people just can’t tell jokes. I hardly ever tell jokes in my talks, but I am funny. Jokes have little to do with your talk; they’re just there to make people laugh, and they often make audiences uncomfortable. Telling stories, though, makes audiences automatically more comfortable, because they sense that you’re not preaching to them.

To be funny, you just have to find a story that make you laugh. Now practice telling it. Do so in a mirror. I have very precise ways in which I tell stories that I have found worked. Sometimes you have to speed your voice up, sometimes you have to slow down. Sometimes you use body movements, sometimes you stand perfectly still. Humour really is an art that is difficult to teach. You just have to try telling the story several times to see which ways make people laugh the most. Then, when you find that way, tell it exactly the same way every time. It sounds boring, but you get used to it, and then you tell it better.

Here’s one of my humour routines, for instance. This is all leading up to my big point that we feel guilty about stupid things because we’re afraid to let go and let God determine our priorities. It’s three minutes long, but it illustrates what I mean:

I use that same routine pretty much the same way when I speak. But by the end of the talk I’ve become significantly more serious. But I won the audience over with that humour.

If you don’t feel like you’re a natural comedian, don’t worry. You don’t have to make them laugh for twenty minutes straight. Every now and then, just use a few anecdotes that make people smile. It disarms them, so it’s easier for them to listen to the serious stuff.

I have heard people use humour really effectively even when talking about persecution, or depression, or abuse. These things are not funny. But when we show that we can also laugh, we show that God has done a work in our lives. It isn’t negating the pain to add some humour; it’s simply showing people that we have survived, and that God is still there.

If you’re trying to find those anecdotes, often movies or literature provide funny ones. And just check your own life for the things that have made you laugh.

But remember: mixing laughter with the serious stuff helps people take in the deeper message. So do try to include some humour, even if it’s only a little bit. You help everyone listen to you more!

If you want more information on how to include humour, and exactly when to use it in your talk, my audio download “Crafting a Life Changing Signature Talk” can help. Find more information here!.

Considering Cultural Differences When Speaking

I’m cold. Really cold.

I’m just back from a trip to Regina, Saskatchewan, where I spoke 5 times in three days. Four of the events were at one church (two Christmas women’s events and two church services) and then the other was at a second church for a women’s outreach. It was a rewarding time, though I don’t like traveling.

But Regina is cold. Very cold. Minus thirty cold. Those who live there are special people.

As I was there, it occurred to me that I had better review my jokes before I get up there. I say something funny about two Canadian institutions: Tim Horton’s and Swiss Chalet. But I didn’t see any Swiss Chalets when I drove around. Turns around there used to be one, but it closed, so the joke was still safe.

So often we assume that those to whom we’re speaking are just like us, but they’re not. When we speak at marriage conferences, we’re often paired with another couple where the man is a real man’s man. He hunts. He fishes. He kills stuff. And his stories about hunting are side-splittingly funny. He tells them so well. And they illustrate some great points in marriage.

But one conference just happened to occur in Montreal. You don’t talk about hunting in Montreal. He realized that after the first night fell flat, and then changed his talk for the next day.

In the same way, we need to be really sensitive about our audiences. Let me give you another example. I think the biggest difference in Canadian and American audiences is that Canadians don’t see it as a plus to sell yourself. We don’t brag about ourselves; we tend to brag about others. Saying good things about yourself sounds odd.

So, when an American is speaking to a Canadian audience, for example, you should use yourself as an anecdote, for sure, but don’t do “I have arrived, or God has blessed me, and He will bless you, too”. That comes off as bragging and that’s a huge no-no. I see American speakers—even million-selling authors—do this all the time up here in Canada and they lose the whole audience. When you tell your own story, you must do it with humility, and with “here’s what God is still teaching me”, rather than “I’m so glad God taught me this. Now you should learn it, too.” Perhaps that sounds like I’m being mean to Americans, and I don’t mean to be, but in general Canadians are much more low-key about sharing our own successes. And it’s important to know this about your audience if you’re going to communicate effectively.

Another big difference: we’re not as dramatic. Twice I have seen American speakers actually get down on the floor and act out a horrible experience from their past, thrashing around down there and everything. Canadians would NEVER do this. (Note: both these speakers were speaking before audiences of thousands, and were headlining large events up here). When we tell our sad or difficult stories, we tell them quietly. We never act them out. It looks fake.

Where we do get loud and boisterous is in our humorous parts of our stories. So it’s not that we’re monotone; it’s just that adding drama to the difficult parts of life is seen as gauche.

Canadians, when we’re with American audiences, need to learn to turn it up a notch. Americans, when you’re with Canadian audiences (and European ones) need to learn to turn it down.

Speaking is a form of communication. You are saying something that you want others to hear. But communication is a two-way street: you put it out there, but your listeners have to take a hold of it. And that means understanding and researching your niche.

Whenever I speak, I ask who is going to be in the audience. Are they married? Single? A blend? What is their ages? Do they work outside the home? Is it multiculural? Are they mostly Christians, or not? You have to know these things, or your talk may go right over their heads. If I find out, for instance, that many in the audience aren’t married, I will always choose at least one anecdote that has nothing to do with marriage or children, and focuses more on one’s workplace or something.

So know your audience. Don’t assume they are just like you. Make sure you communicate in a way that they understand. And then your message is much more likely to get through!

How to Speak Without Notes

Have you ever listened to a sermon, or been present at an event, where the speaker read almost his or her entire talk?

We all have. And did you feel engaged? Of course not. Even if it was a good talk, you likely found it boring because the speaker wasn’t making an emotional connection with you. You couldn’t really see their emotion because their head was downturned.

I always feel a bit cheated when someone reads their sermon, because I could have just read it, too. In fact, if you’d handed me a paper copy, I could have read it in five minutes and be done with it. Instead, I have to sit here for half an hour and listen to you read it.

Much of what we communicate, though, is not in our words. It’s in our body language: our facial expressions, our movements, our tone of voice. That’s what makes a talk powerful, and that’s what communicates to an audience!

The goal for every speaker should be to deliver a talk with very little reliance on notes.

That doesn’t mean you don’t bring up notes with you; only that you do not read from them.

For many people that sounds intimidating. How can you memorize everything you want to say in 45 minutes? But you don’t have to memorize it. What you need to do is own it, so that it becomes a big part of you. Don’t teach; inspire. And then it will flow out of you. Here are some pointers:

1. Don’t have 15 main points; have one overarching thing that you’re leading up to. Everything has to relate to that. That way your brain isn’t cluttered. It’s clear where you’re going.

2. Use a lot of stories. You don’t have to read stories word for word; they’re your stories! I’ll write more later about how to come up with anecdotes, but remember that it is the stories that people recall, even years down the road. They may not be able to tell you what your points were, but they’ll remember the story.

3. Write down your points in point form. This gets away from the impulse to read your notes, and just tells you where you’re going. So for instance, my notes for part might look like this:

Christmas Tree Story
Point of Life: Individual
God’s Calling

No one else really knows where I’m going with that, but I do. It’s meaningful to me. And I can fill in the blanks.

4. Practice. The more you deliver the talk, the less you’ll need the notes. And that’s a good thing, because quite often I have found God “add” a point to a talk I wasn’t originally intending to give. It just came out, and chances are that’s what people will comment on afterwards. When I’m flexible, it’s easier to add these things that God may have for that specific audience.

5. Try to condense your notes to your talk onto one or two pieces of paper. Print it in a large font so you can see quickly where you are by glancing down. Bold your key points, or your transition to point 2, etc., so that it’s easier to find your place.

It’s okay to read direct quotations. No one minds you doing that. If you’re reading a passage that C.S. Lewis once said, you do not have to memorize it. But if you can give the rest of your talk keeping eye contact with the audience, then they know that you’re passionate about the subject.

When you can deliver a talk without notes, you communicate several things. You say, “this is something I really care about. This is something I believe.” It had that much of an impact on you that it can flow from your heart. When you read your notes, you communicate the opposite. You say, “I’m not really sure where I’m going. I don’t know how important this is.” And the audience is more likely to tune out.

It can be intimidating going up there with few notes. But if you have structured your talk well, chances are you need them less than you think you do. Just practice with it. Write out a talk in point form, and see if you can deliver it. I’ll bet you can! And it gets easier the more you do it!

Soon I’ll be starting an email course on how to launch your speaking career! Sign up to be notified (it’s FREE) here.