Guest Post: Overcoming the Fear of Technology

I love running guest posts written by some of the amazing speakers I’ve met, either through my training or through Facebook! Today Kathryn Lang is going to share her practical thoughts on overcoming one of a speaker’s greatest fears: technology!

Photo by Cameraman Phil

Two years ago the site of a microphone or a camera would send me screaming and running from the room. I wanted to be a speaker, but the tools and techniques of the trade were foreign to me. Even my years of stage acting did not give me any comfort when I crossed paths with a microphone. My fear of looking bad or making a mistake overpowered my desire to share.

The chance to speak online came up in 2008. I would not be in front of a crowd and I would not be standing in front of a microphone. It was the perfect answer. It was exciting to share my passion and my heart and I determined at that moment to make the changes that would give me the comfort and the confidence to overpower my fears.

Baby Steps to Overcome Fears

 1. Use a microphone to get comfortable with the technology. I was forced to confront my fears when the leader of a meeting walked over to me and held the microphone in my face. “Can you close us in prayer?” I confess that my gut yelled, “NO!” I did manage to take a deep breath and share a short prayer with the crowd. It dawned on me that maybe the best way to develop a comfort with the microphone was to USE the microphone.

2. Practice your presentations with a pretend microphone so that you are comfortable with your gestures. Most people have given an acceptance speech or sang a few songs in the end of a hairbrush. It is the same principle. I talk with my hands so practicing with a microphone forces me to learn new ways of gesturing. I developed a habit of holding up the microphone in front of me while I speak so that I do not fade out to the crowd.

3. Accept that you are not perfect and realize that it is not as bad as you think it is. Mistakes happen, even with all of the practice in the world. The first presentation I tried to walk from one side of the stage to another, and could hear the feedback from the speakers. My stomach did flips – and it was flipping enough without that moment. I stepped back to the center of the stage and stayed closer to that point. It seemed like the end of the world for me, but even the sound booth could not hear the feedback. 

4. Expect to be seen. Cameras do not sap my soul or steal my spirit. They do not even make me look bad. I have spent years fighting my weight and shying away from the camera. I may not be happy with where I am, but I have to find a joy in who I am until I get to where I am going. I determined that when I would see a camera I would simply expect that my picture would be taken and shared with others. I stand different and hold a pose until the camera moves on.

5. Seek out assistance from others with more experience. Talk to the band at church or even the pastor and find out how they learned to be comfortable in front of a mike. It was interesting to discover that many people I hear speak are just as nervous with the technology as I am.

6. Jump in with both feet. Ultimately the only way I ever got over the fear of the microphone was by standing up in front of a crowd and using a microphone. I discovered that the microphone does not bite. It does not scream. And despite what I have been told I am capable of talking with one hand.

My comfort level has grown – with both cameras and microphones. The more that I use both the more I know HOW to use both. I had a choice to allow fear to determine my path or to make the changes that would overcome the fear. My speaking opportunities are now coming about once a month and I know that I can deal with whatever microphone situation I face. It all starts with that first step. You will never reach your destination if you allow fear to keep you from that first step.

Kathryn Lang walks to the beat of her own drummer and sometimes her own band. Her unique walk was confirmed during bible study when the preacher asked what kind of people God calls us to be. “We are called to be a peculiar people. You have that one down, don’t you Kathryn?”

Encouragement has always been a part of Kathryn’s walk. She lives a positive life and looks for opportunities to share that walk with all of those around her. Kathryn has started a journey in a new ministry serving as the Ministry Counselor for her home church. She is developing a curriculum to help others discern their passion in order to discover their ministry and purpose.
 
Visit Kathryn at www.kathrynlang.com or on Facebook or twitter at kathrynclang.

Accepting Where You are in Your Ministry

This morning, for my mom blog, I wrote a post about accepting where you are, and not berating yourself for not reaching goals.

I thought it was a message we speakers needed to hear, too.

Many years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I made some career goals for myself. One in particular I was supposed to have attained when I hit 40.

Guess what? It’s not going to happen. For years I was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to try to shortcut my way to that goal, so that when my 41st birthday hit I would have done it. But no matter what I do at this point I won’t have time to meet that goal. It’s fallen by the wayside.

I’ve realized that the issue isn’t whether or not I meet the goal; the issue is whether or not I am at peace about not meeting that goal.

We women just don’t tend to like ourselves. We can see all our shortcomings, and we feel as if we should be pushing ourselves, beating ourselves, forcing ourselves to change and be different. Our ministries should have grown more by now. We should have more bookings. I promised myself if I started speaking I wouldn’t be a drain on the family, and I should have arrived further by now.

Or perhaps the issues are more personal: We shouldn’t be this heavy; we should exercise more, lose weight, eat less. We shouldn’t be this shy; we should have more friends, more social engagements, more people over to dinner.

Do all those “shoulds” help you actually accomplish anything? Or do they just paralyze you?

I find so often that when we set up goals for ourselves, we just end up paralyzed, unable to move forward, because we feel overwhelmed and guilty. I know goal setting can be important, and some goals are worthy. But not all goals are.

Let’s go back to my professional goal that I had for myself at 40. I wanted to have created several entrepreneurial enterprises which would have brought in a certain dollar figure in income. Do you know why I won’t meet that goal? It’s because since I made that goal, my life has changed. I decided to homeschool my children. I decided to work with the youth of our church. I decided to do more at home to support my husband’s career, because our life was becoming too busy. I made decisions that were smart for my family, but those decisions made that goal pretty much impossible to attain. Usually the reason that we haven’t met a goal in our lives is not because we’re lazy and undisciplined; often it’s because we have used our time to do something else. We have decided that something else is momentarily more important than that goal.

You may feel called to speaking, but if you haven’t built a huge website yet, if you haven’t created that video, if you haven’t built a huge following on Facebook, does that mean that you have somehow failed? Does it mean that you weren’t serious about your goal?

I spent three years feeling guilty about not starting a blog. I knew I had to blog; I knew I had to build my platform on the internet, but I didn’t do it, and no amount of feeling guilty about it made me do it. When I finally launched it, I realized why it was smart that I had waited. It takes a lot of time to blog consistently and to write interesting posts. And during those three years I had other things to do. I was homeschooling my kids. I was trying to juggle making good meals with all the time I needed to spend with them and still write my column and write magazine articles.

Was my goal good? Sure. But there were other things that were more important, and I do not have a limitless amount of time. When my children stopped taking as much time to homeschool, because they could do more on their own, I suddenly had time to blog.

Here’s the truth: we cannot do everything. We cannot grow our online presence, and generate tons of speaking engagements, and keep our part-time job, and maintain the perfect body, and maintain a perfect home, and spend tons of time with the kids, and have romantic getaways with our husbands, and create small businesses to make income for our families. We just can’t. Why not instead talk to God about what is good enough in each of those areas of your life? And then accept the good enough; don’t keep feeling badly that you’re not doing more.

Of course, many of us aren’t getting important things done because we waste time. We spend too much time in front of the TV, or the computer, or on the phone. If that’s the case, then maybe you need to re-evaluate. You certainly don’t want television to keep you from attaining an important goal in your family. But many of us don’t have that many hours, even if we wanted to find them. They’re already being used. And we still, after all, do need downtime.

I think we are completely unrealistic about what is possible for us to accomplish in this life. Everything comes with a price, and if you’re not willing to pay the price, then that’s okay. But don’t just say, “I don’t have time to do this,” and then continue to feel guilty. Say, “I don’t have time to reach this goal,” and then accept it. Accept who you are right now, even with your limitations, because you are doing the best you can. And your best is always good enough.

Isn’t that what we tell our children? We don’t care what they get on the test, as long as they tried their best. If they get a 95% but they didn’t try, we’d be unhappy. But if they got a 65% and that genuinely was their best, then that’s okay. We’d get them some more help, but we wouldn’t be angry.

So why be angry at ourselves? If we’re doing our best, and we’re talking to God about how to prioritize our lives, and we’re talking to our husbands about our lives, then let’s give ourselves a break. We’re doing what we can do, and in this season of our life, this is the best we can offer. Don’t compare yourself to someone with more time, more money, or more energy, because that is not how God made you. Just be the best of who you were made to be, and whatever that is, that is okay. And God will bless you and open doors when you are being responsible in all areas of your life. Do what you can, and God will bless your efforts, even if they’re meager. When you’re in a position to make more effort, your ministry may grow more.

But if you’re not in that position now, don’t feel badly about it. Do what you can, and that is enough. The rest is up to God.

Wouldn’t that feel so much better?

If you want to keep talking about these sorts of issues, do join our Facebook group!

Accepting God’s “No’s”

Speaking is a strange ministry. Most people, when they’re involved in ministry, have a job. They don’t have to go out there and market themselves, and try to drum up engagements. They don’t have to constantly be promoting.

Most people also are surrounded by others who can encourage them, and give them feedback, and pray, and be a sounding board for the direction of whatever ministry you’re involved in.

When you’re a speaker, it’s often very solitary. And that means that we have to listen to God’s voice intensely to know whether we’re going in the right direction or not. And that’s hard, because we’re so busy marketing and so busy trying to get our name out there that we’re constantly wondering: “is this where God has called me?”. And part of us desperately hopes it is, because we began speaking for a reason. We had a message, we had a vision, and we want to walk in that vision. But what if that vision isn’t God’s?

I’m in the middle of a bit of an emotional turmoil this week, because I have a big book proposal out to several large publishers right now. A few have passed on it, since I don’t speak very much in the United States (though that’s going to change substantially in 2011!). But three big ones still have it, and one big one went to committee with it yesterday.

I have not heard yet.

But yesterday I was glued to email, and it was Not a Good Thing, if  you know what I mean. I was just so nervous.

Today I started off my day in prayer and journalling, and I want to share some thoughts with you that I read. This is going to seem like it’s rambling, but it’s all going to come together in the end.

1. I read 1 Kings 15, which is the story of Abisham, David’s great-grandson, who didn’t follow God. But God rewarded him anyway because of David, whose heart was devoted to God. God honoured David’s faith and David’s prayers for his descendants, even though David himself at times had doubts, and even sinned in a big way. God knew his heart.

2. This week, while I was in training in Toronto with World Vision, I had a strange experience. I was walking through the hallways of their Canadian headquarters, and I saw a wall of pictures of children with the logo. It took me back in time to my grandfather’s room in the nursing home. He loved two things: World Vision and 100 Huntley Street. And shortly after I was 16, he started praying that God would use me in missions work and that He would let me be a speaker.

And there I was, training as a spokesperson for World Vision.

Sheila talking marriage with 100 Huntley Street

I’ve been on 100 Huntley Street numerous times, too, though he never lived to see it.

Grandpa’s biggest concern for the world was clean water. He would literally weep whenever he read of stories of villages without wells. So when I think of World Vision and him, I think of wells.

Last week, at training at World Vision, I had to practice my child sponsorship appeal. I have two stories: one about a well, and one about a girl we know in Kenya whose story is horrific. It is the story of the girl that I love telling, because it means so much to me. But everyone else agreed the well was more powerful.

Over and over again, my grandfather’s prayers are being lived out in what I am doing, even without me intentionally doing anything about it.

3. I read in Ephesians this morning about how God has a perfect plan for each one of us, that will culminate in Him drawing everyone to Himself. We are all a part of that plan; some people in big ways, and some people in small ways, but we are all a part of it.

With those three things all ticking in my brain, I realized that I don’t have to be worried about whether or not this book will be published. God has been directing my steps all along, even in ways that I didn’t see at the time. He has been honouring the prayers of my grandfather, He has been touching lives, and He has been directing everything. Not me.

If this book proposal comes back as a no, then that is still God directing me. He is still pointing me somewhere; He isn’t leaving me high and dry.

And so I wrote this in my journal this morning:

God, you have a perfect plan. I can see it in my life, across generations. Sometimes I try to force that plan. I’m sorry for that. However You want ot use me–even if it’s small–is perfectly okay. Teach me to rejoice in Your “no’s”, because No’s are just you clarifying and pointing in a new direction.

It’s hard when we work at a ministry and try to formulate goals and try to push ourselves, and then God seems to say no. It’s not easy to accept, because we wonder if it was all for nothing, or if we ever really heard His voice in the first place. But I think we just need to walk forward in faith, listening to Him and doing what we think is best, and then when He comes down with a definite Yes or No, that’s a good thing, even if it’s not what we wanted. It’s good because it clarifies what our direction is. It clarifies how He’s going to use us–because God always uses people who are available.

So my encouragement to you is just this: remember that God has a plan for how You will serve Him, and that plan is perfect. At times it will seem as if you are hitting a brick wall, and that God is saying no. Do not be discouraged in those times; simply know that God is pointing you to something new, and cares enough about your efforts and your energy that He doesn’t want you to burn yourself out on something that isn’t His plan. He will use you, but on His terms. And isn’t it better that way?

And now, I will continue to wait, no longer so scared of the No.

4-Part Webinar: Write Your Talk

Do you have trouble figuring out what your main point should be in your talk? Are you unsure how to turn a talk into a 4-part retreat? Do you struggle with wondering whether you’re delivering your stories well?

I can help! I’ve been teaching webinars on Christian speaking for over a year now, and in just over a week I’m going to begin a brand new intensive learning opportunity: a 4-week webinar that is interactive, helpful, and highly practical.

October 27, November 3, November 10, November 17

In this 4-week course, we’ll meet every Wednesday at 9pm EST to walk through how to write your talk!

More in-depth than my Create Your Signature Talk webinar, this one will look in detail at how to craft a one-time talk, how to create a retreat package, how to integrate stories, how to deliver your talk well, and more! You’ll learn:

• What goes into an effective talk
• How to find your niche–what is the message you need to share?
• How to say your talk in one sentence
• How to incorporate humour and Scripture
• How to choose stories
• How to cut out unnecessary material or information
• How to deliver stories well–tightly, with humour, or with pathos
• How to create a 3 or 4 talk retreat package
• How to end strongly

And more!

As a webinar, you’ll be able to see me on video and hear me. But best of all, we’ll be able to interact!

This will be a HANDS-ON webinar, where we’ll work in groups to help you figure out your main message, brainstorm about stories you can use, and help you find your niche.

We’ll be able to provide feedback to one another so that at the end, you know what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it!

And our last session will consist of everyone sharing a 2-3 minute anecdote, and then the rest of us critiquing. It sounds scary, but it’s one of the most helpful things I’ve ever seen done in a webinar. You’ll learn from others, and they’ll learn from you. We’ll divide into groups of 6, so it won’t be too overwhelming!

If you’ve ever taken my training, this will take you that one-step further. We’ll look more in detail at how to develop a talk, and you’ll also have the new opportunity to interact with others and get them to help you!

And the emphasis this time around will be on delivery–how can you deliver your stories well, your message well, and end well, so that people are pointed to God? How can you get rid of extraneous material, and only focus on the stuff that’s most important? How can you tell stories with punch?

What do you need?

• Your Wednesdays free, at 9 pm EST, October 27, November 3, November 10, and November 17. If you sign up late, you’ll get access to the recordings you’ve missed. And if you can’t make a class or two, you can watch it after the fact. But it will be so much better if you’re there live, and can participate!
• A computer with high speed internet access so you can watch the video
• A microphone and a webcam, if you want to participate in sharing an anecdote. If you don’t have a webcam, a microphone will also do. The webcam is for your benefit, so people can give more feedback.

I hope you can all join me! By the end of this webinar series, you should have your talk written, an outline for how to handle a retreat, and the confidence you need to deliver your stories well!

We’re a handfull of women who are engaged in God’s ministry to share His word. We can help each other. And I pray that this webinar series will help you, as you learn from each other, help each other, and feel more confidently that God is leading you in this direction.

I hope you can join me! Just go here for more information, or to sign up!

Handling Distractions While You’re Speaking

I was in the middle of the testimony part of my talk–the part where I share what it was like first receiving the news that the baby that I was carrying had a severe heart defect that would likely prove fatal.

The humorous part of the talk was over. The laughter had died down, and people were inched forward in their seats, hanging on to my words. I felt myself tearing up, heading into the most emotional part of my story, when I had to say good-bye to my son.

And just as I was about to share the words that God gave me, a baby started crying.

It would not have been so bad if it had happened earlier, when we were all laughing and elbowing each other and in the upbeat part of the program. I could have handled that fine.

But I was in the part that is hard to deliver. I was in the part that can be powerful. I was in the part that people needed to hear, and that I needed to say in a certain way for maximum impact. And the baby threw off my stride. I momentarily lost my train of thought, and the line, which I usually so smoothly and emphatically say, I completely messed up.

Sure, I recovered. I repeated it again the right way. But the baby kept crying, and instead of listening to me, people were turning to that baby, and the mother who was rocking the infant, oblivious to the commotion she was causing around her.

Have you had that happen to you? Cell phones ring. Babies cry. Toddlers start to talk. Someone has a coughing fit. Or, even worse, your microphone stops working. How do you handle these things? How do you maintain your composure when things are not going as they’re supposed to?

It happened to President Obama last week. And whatever you think of his politics (and believe me, I have VERY strong opinions), I thought he handled the presidential seal coming off his podium quite well:

He had to acknowledge it, because it was huge. Others noticed it, he had to, too. But he laughed it off. What I would have done was not put in that last line, “There’s someone back there who’s really nervous right now.” That was unnecessary. He already had them laughing. But he did the right thing: he let them get their laughs out before he proceeded. What you don’t want to do is talk about it so much that people forget what you were saying. But you need to give them a minute to process it and move on.

Here are some things to think about when distractions hit:

1. You set the tone for the audience.

The audience will tend to react in a way that you show them to react. They take their cues from you. If you are nervous, they will suddenly be nervous for you. If you seem distracted or stare at the offender, they will stare there, too. They will lose their concentration on your words just the same way that you have.

So, as much as possible, ignore the distraction and do not draw attention to it! If it’s something big, like Obama’s seal falling off, you can’t. But you can ignore a cell phone, a crying baby, or coughing.

Last week, when I was speaking outdoors at a conference, two deer ran right behind me. Everybody stopped listening (again, I was at an important part) to stare at the deer. I did, too. What else could I do? But then I brought it back: “Isn’t God’s creation amazing?” Now we’re thinking about God again, so we can proceed.

Ignore if you can. If you can’t, acknowledge as briefly as possible, and then bring it back.

2. Never apologize for something that you are doing

One of the biggest mistakes speakers can make is to apologize–apologizing for not being prepared enough, apologize for having a cold, apologize for this being their first audience, as if they’re “trying you out”, apologize for being too old or too young. And when distractions hit, we tend to apologize, too. We apologize for the microphone going out, or for an overly loud air conditioning system. If you can’t do anything about it, don’t apologize. It’s the organizer’s fault, not yours. Apologize and you draw too much attention to it, and then people start thinking that they should be offended, or worried, or miffed.

3. If you have to acknowledge something, use humour.

The best way to deflect an obvious distraction, if you do have to draw attention to it, is to use humour, as Obama did. When you use humour you show that you aren’t upset, and then people’s blood pressure won’t rise because they’re worried about you. Humour when your microphone goes out, or when your notes fall down, lets people see that you’re not nervous, and so they don’t need to be, either. It’s really no big deal.

Of course, to you it may be a big deal. But don’t let others see that. Their ability to concentrate and listen and take in what you say is related to your level of ease. When you seem stressed, they won’t listen to the message as much because you yourself will become the distraction.

4. Assign someone in the audience to take care of distractions.

Ask the organizer to ensure that if cell phones go off too much, or if a baby cries too much, that someone will be sent to take care of it so that you don’t have to single someone out from the podium.

5. Recover

And here’s the hardest part. Now you have to keep going, even if it means projecting your voice because the microphone is out, or picking up your notes and putting them back in order.

If it is something where you can’t proceed without an action, take the time to do that action properly, even if it feels like an eternity. Don’t try to start speaking if your notes are out of order and upside down. Take the time to get them in order (preferably without talking very much), because the more you try to talk to cover it up, the more likely you are to be nervous and thus get your notes in the wrong order, which makes everything worse. If you need to stop talking and adjust the microphone, do it.

Ironically, if you don’t keep a running commentary while you’re fiddling with fixing something, it makes you seem less nervous than if you do. Most people realize that speakers aren’t comfortable with silence. If you are, it again shows that you are not nervous and that you are in command of the situation. So take the time to fix whatever needs fixing and then proceed.

And if there’s not anything you can do about the distraction, say a silent prayer and keep plodding away. Maybe you won’t deliver as well as you wanted to, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Try to ignore it and keep going. I know it’s hard, but you don’t have a choice. And the more practice you get plodding ahead, the more professional a speaker you will become!

When You Feel Like an Impostor

Photo by Xenia Antunes

I smiled, hugged, and waved at the women who organized the women’s day as I opened the trunk to deposit my props and books inside. Clicking the unlock button, I climbed in the driver’s side, and turned the car keys as I rolled the window down. One more wave, I thought, as the smile was plastered on my face. They waved back, laughing and smiling.

And then I was out the driveway, onto the highway, heading home. The smile came off of my face. I exhaled loudly, slumped in my seat, set the cruise control, and hunted for a radio station to fill the car with music so I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts.

I felt like an impostor.

I think that is one of the most common feelings speakers have after an engagement–or perhaps even before one! We worry about whether we were present our message properly, whether our message was relevant, correct, and effective. We’re nervous. We’re scared. And yet we have to appear upbeat, energetic, and excited all day as we’re surrounded by women who are hanging on to our every word.

At times it feels more like being in a high school play than it does delivering God’s message. So many times I feel as if I have been acting.

And I have learned that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

A phrase hit me this week as I was loading up the car with books, once again, to drive three hours away from my family to speak at a retreat. God said to me,

Can you offer me a sacrifice?

And in many ways, that’s what speaking is. It is hard to believe that, perhaps, when you are just starting out and you’re so desperate to get some speaking engagements. In many ways the inception of a ministry is a wonderful time–a period of dreaming and visioning and working and excitement.

But the time comes when those speaking engagements roll in, and we are consumed with doubt. I know my messages are effective. People tell me they are, they cry with me, they pray with me, and most of all, perhaps, they ask me back.

I also know, though, that some of the best days I have had speaking are not days when I have felt particularly energetic. They’re days when I had to push myself. When I had to remember that it was God who originally helped me to write this message, and it was God who gave me the gifts to deliver it. And so I deliver it, and I see the impact, but in the meantime I’m thinking about missing my own church that Sunday, and wondering how the youth are doing without me (I teach their class). And I’m wondering if Katie made it back from Youth group okay last night, and if she’s made up with that friend who was being silly to her last week. And I’m wondering if my husband’s okay, because he was on call on Friday night and he’s always tense being on call when I’m not there, because he hates having to leave the girls (even though they are teenagers now).

And quite frankly, I want an afternoon to knit. I haven’t had an afternoon to myself in a while, and I’m tired.

Yet nevertheless, despite all these things running through my mind, I plaster a smile on my face, and I deliver my message.

Am I an impostor?

Photo by doortoriver

No. I’m not. Here’s what I realized, driving back through the array of fall colours last weekend. Those words I spoke were true–whether or not I was excited by them right then. I have heard them so many times, given them so many times, that I sometimes miss the power of them. But God’s power is still there, in those words, and He does not depend upon my mood. He simply asks to use me–even if I’m not excited at that very moment.

Isn’t that what a sacrifice is? To offer yourself to God, knowing that what you have to share is important, even if your feelings aren’t necessarily in line right now? I’m not talking about sin in your life. If there are major sins, we definitely have to bring those before the Lord and work them through before we stand in front of an audience. But sometimes we’re just engulfed in our humanity–worried about health concerns, or family, or laundry, or church. And none of those things stops just because we have a speaking engagement.

Here’s another scene that is repeated many times when I speak: I am standing alongside my book table, shaking hands, hugging teary women, praying wih some. So many come to me and say, “that was just wonderful. You spoke directly to me.”

And I don’t know what to say. I want to cry, “I’m glad, but I’m worried about my daughter, and I wish that I could have been there for her today!” I want to say, “I sometimes wonder if I’ve lost my enthusiasm for this; why aren’t I more excited today?”

But I don’t feel that I can say those things, and so I simply smile and say, “thank you for telling me. I’m so glad.” And I leave it like that, empty, hanging in the air, as if there was something else that really should have been said.

I don’t leave it hanging anymore. Sometimes, in those moments when people sing my praises, I just decide to be honest once again. I say, “Thank you for that encouragement. I needed that today. I’m tired, and I sometimes wonder if I’m having an impact. So it’s so great to know that God can use me even with all the things I’ve got running through my mind, too!”

People appreciate that. They like knowing I’m human, too. And so I have realized I don’t have to be an impostor. I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay, that I was completely excited to be there, that there was no other place I would rather be, no other people who are tickling at the edges of my brain, no other concerns that I can’t seem to leave behind. It is not “acting” to act excited on stage, to deliver your message with a passion that you don’t necessarily feel. It is simply giving it the attention that it deserves because it is God’s message, and it IS exciting.

And usually, once I start, that excitement returns. Berate myself for feeling selfish, and it doesn’t.

I am trying to practice the art of being quiet on the drive home, of letting God speak to my heart, and quiet me after delivering a retreat. I am trying not to flee from the people who tell me that I spoke to them, trying not to flee from the thoughts that accuse me of not being worthy to speak because my heart is sometimes divided. I am simply offering God a sacrifice–my time and attention and energy–and a sacrifice has to cost something. In this case, it costs my emotions and my energy, and it is lovingly offered, even if sometimes it is difficult.

We cannot expect ourselves to be always on an even emotional level when we speak. Some days we will be over-the-top energetic. Other days we won’t. But God stays the same. And we are offering Him our sacrifice. We are offering Him our best delivery–even if we’re tired. And I believe He is happy with that, and that He will use it, if it is honestly offered, even in the midst of worry or exhaustion.

When Speaking, Relate on Feelings, not Circumstances

Speaking for Mountainview Christian Reformed Church

One of the most important elements of speaking is making that connection with the audience. When audience members like you, feel as if you are “one of them”, and agree with what you are saying, they are more likely to apply it to their lives.

That does not mean, however, that you need to have gone through exactly the same things in this life that they have. None of us has lived an identical life to anyone else! We don’t have to relate on circumstances per se; what we do have to relate to is on feelings.

Now, one caveat: often at the beginning of a talk is good to find things in the audience that you can laugh about together, that all women do. Such things aren’t necessarily circumstances as much as they are habits or cultural attitudes. Women are worried about our weight. We try to do too much. We’re insecure.

Here’s an excellent example, by Anita Refroe, a Christian mom comedian, of relating to her audience at the beginning of her talk by putting all the things a mom would say in a 24-hour period into a  3 minute song:

What if you’re not a mom? What if you can’t sing? It’s okay! You can still make fun of us women in other ways. You’re not doing it to put women down; you’re just doing it so that we can laugh together, and shared experiences always make people laugh. We’re nervous that we have runs in our stockings. We’re nervous about parallel parking. We can’t go anywhere without talking to the clerk and the people in line. We’re always trying to make closer relationships. You know what you’re like, and chances are others can relate to you! Maybe it’s the differences in living in a city or the country. Again, people often laugh at these sorts of things.

But when you get into the meat of your story, that’s where you’re driving home the main lesson that you want people to take home. What if your experiences don’t mirror those of your audience?

It’s okay. Few of us share circumstances; almost all of us share feelings. For example, I speak about my son dying, but I don’t relate to the women on the basis that I have lost a son; few women have (though there are always some in the audience). After I tell the story, I then say something like this:

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t get out of bed in the morning? Have you ever cried rivers of tears that never seemed to dry, and tormented yourself asking God “why”?

Most of us have. It probably hasn’t all been for the same reason, but it’s that feeling that we share that is going to move us closer to God and closer to the message that we’ve got for people.

Don’t worry, then, if your circumstances don’t line up exactly with those in the audience. Share your circumstances, but share them as examples of feelings: feelings of loss, of fear, of anger, of bitterness, of hurt. Don’t dwell as much on the circumstances as on how you felt and how you felt towards God.

The good thing is that this frees up those speakers who haven’t experienced great tragedies to still be strong speakers. My daughter, for instance, would like to be a speaker, but nothing really, really bad has ever happened to her (yet). But she can still relate to the feelings that all of us have: not fitting in; doubt about faith; anger; shame. She may not have a dramatic story, but she can still talk about what feelings and circumstances brought her into a deeper level of commitment and trust to God. What pushed her away, and what brought her back? Chances are those in the audience will be able to relate to these things.

When you’re sharing your story, then, whether it’s one of divorce, or abuse, or grief, or shame, or bitterness, certainly share what happened, but don’t glorify it. Remember that you are not relating based on these details. You are relating based on the feelings. Talk about your reaction to the circumstances far more than the circumstances themselves. This has the added benefit in that you don’t glorify ugliness, especially if you are talking about a life of abuse, but it also puts the focus on how you dealt with things, and how you responded to God (and how He responded to you). That’s the part of your message that’s going to make the biggest impact, anyway.

So don’t worry if you can’t relate to all the circumstances in the audience. It’s the feelings that bring us together. When you read the Psalms, do you find them often echoing your heart’s cry? Likely you do. And yet you have never been an ancient king of Israel, fleeing your homicidal predecessor. Nevertheless, you still can relate to David. Likewise, people will be able to relate to you if you do what David did: be honest about your heart’s cries, but then put the focus back on the promises of God and how He rescued you. That’s the human condition that we all have, and that’s how you will help touch people’s hearts and point them to God!